Shower-shy Brit and She-might-be-a-widow Kelsey were abruptly bumped off Athletchic’s favorite list last week. So we had to do a little Soule–searching for a new favorite.
Before tonight’s show, we considered two potential “favorite” replacements who seemed fairly sane: Jade and Whitney. (Although we’re still not sure we can get past Whitney’s voice.)
Then here’s what happened:
The Rose Ceremony
It may just have been the most dramatic rose ceremony ever.
Brit already had a rose, so it didn’t matter whether she wanted no children or 100 children. The rerun of Kelsey’s I-love-my-widow-story interview was so creepy that it made Life Time Channel Movies look like Disney stories. And after six days and 21 hours, Kelsey was still rolling around on the floor. She cried, sucked oxygen, joked about brownies, said she deserved a rose and then whaled out a laugh that made the wicked witch of the west’s laugh sound like a whimper.
They interview Carly, Kaitlyn, and Pick-me-pick-me-I’m-a-virgin Ashley who asked to see Kelsey’s husband’s death certificate. (You doubt me, but I am pretty sure I’m right.)
Chris handed out the roses to: Sweet Jade, Not-a-virgin Kaitlyn, What’s-her-name Megan, Becca, Ashley, and (drum roll) Kelsey. Too-young-to-have-a-baby McKenzie and Too-nice-to-remember Samantha are sent home. The others are off to Deadwood, South Dakota.
The One-On-One Date
The Closet-virgin Becca gets the one-on-one date, and that’s ok because she’s sort of a sleeper (as virgins usually are).
The date goes like this: Becca gets on a horse. Chris says she’s smokin’ hot. They ride; they shoot. They giggle, flirt and Chris gives Becca the rose. But it isn’t like last week with Carly. It’s authentic. Becca is sincere. She’s sweet. She’s a little embarrassed and says no one wants their dad to see them kissing.
(Jade and Whitney move down a notch.)
Becca says the kiss was magical. It felt good. It was right. And when she lowered her head and used her inside voice to say “sorry dad,” I scratched a line through Jade and Whitney’s names and replaced it with Becca, the closet virgin.
But the show wasn’t over yet.
The Sorta Group Date
Whitney, Jade, Megan, Carly, Brit, and Kaitlyn are named for the group date. (Yippee! Pick-me virgin and Love-my-story widow will have to face off in the two-on-one date. One of those babes is going home.)
The sorta-group girls compose their own country song and sing it not only for Chris and the others but for Big and Rich who arrive to boost confidence. (At least that’s what we thought.) At one point, Big skips hand-in-hand down the street with Jade yelling, “Feel the Freedom.” (I think he’s seen next week’s previews.)
Brit and Chris neck in front of Jade. Then the solos begin: Chris sings first (C-). Then the girls sing: Brit (B-); Whitney (D+) (anything with the voice is going to hurt this chic); Kaitlyn (B); Megan (B); and Carly (A). Chris cries twice and says they all killed it. (Lie.)
They dance, sneak away for one-on-one time, and then (here comes the sorta part) Chris runs off to a Big and Rich concert with Brit where he hands her a rose on stage in front of hundreds of people. Brit admits this is her virgin country experience. (What is with these girls and their fixation with virginity?) They return an hour later where the other girls can’t even pretend to be happy.
Chris back peddles and says he knows this is hard. The girls don’t buy it, so he cowardly leaves. (See ya Brit wouldn’t want to be ya.) Brit tries to apologize. Carly cries. Kaitlyn cries. And Whitney says Brit is gorgeous and cries.
The Two-on-One Date
It becomes clear quickly that these two girls are competing for least favorite contestant.
They fly past Mount Rushmore in a helicopter and land beside a lonely bed in the middle of nowhere. Then the fun begins.
Kelsey says she feels lucky. They drink. The wind whines. No one talks. Chris takes Pick-me Ashley aside, and she throws Kelsey under the bus. (Will they never learn?) But Chris says he appreciates her honesty.
Then Chris throws Ashley under the bus and tells Kelsey what she said. (OMG are we in grade school?) Kelsey puts her counselor voice on and struggles to survive. (Is this girl really a guidance counselor? We want to see those papers, too.)
Kelsey leaves, goes back to the strange bed, sits with Ashley and tosses her a stare that would make Hannibal Lecter shiver. Ashley runs away crying. She finds Chris. He says she’s no Eva Gabor (something like that) and sends her packing. Kelsey flashes a wicked, wicked smile. But then Chris sends her packing and all is right in South Dakota.
Chris flies away in a helicopter. (We are left hanging until Ashley appears in an “I’m Actually Very Smart” t-shirt on the Jimmy Kimmel show, talks lash extensions and disappoints us by saying she and Kelsey took separate vans home—what a missed opportunity.)
Back at the ranch, the girls pop champagne when they realize Kelsey isn’t coming back.
We yawn. Well, it was a little better than last week, although without I’m-a-virgin Ashley and I-love-my-widow-story Kelsey, we are concerned that it might be boring from here on out.
Not. Previews blast across the screen. Sweet Jade posed nude in playboy. (Hope springs eternal.)
So after a week of Soule-searching Athletchic is back in the game with a new favorite—Becca the closet virgin—who knew?
Gosh I can’t wait for next week. Vive le Becca!
_________________________________________________________________________ Cyndie Zahner is a free lance writer. Follow her on Twitter at @tweetyz or on Instagram as athletchicz.