3 things we learned this week
1. Jax does not know how many days are in a year.
“One day out of the 364 days we have,” Jax says at the beginning of the episode talking about Kristen’s behavior at Scheana’s wedding.
We aren’t the only ones learning this. Tom Sandoval is also shocked, “I’m always learning new things about Jax. Today I learned that he doesn’t know how many days are in a year.”
2. Kristen, Carmen & Rachael got in a fight with a stripper.
As if Kristen’s life couldn’t get any worse, the three were out for a girls night when they got into a screaming match with a stripper. The stripper clocked Rachael in the face. Jax claims he was on the phone with Carmen while all of this went down. (Isn’t it weird that Jax’s two ex-girlfriends and a girl he slept with are all besties?! Weird!)
The problem with this story is that it may not be entirely true. During the airing of last night’s episode, Rachael called Jax out on Twitter:
3. Stassi still really wants to be part of SUR!
Although she claims that Katie was her last link to “those people” (her ex-friends that work at SUR), she is totally wrong. Stassi meets with Peter to gossip about what has been going on with the SUR crew. She is also overly interested in texts that she has been receiving from Kristen. (More to come on that.)
3 most important things that happened this week
(Forewarning, they all include a VERY mentally-ill Kristen Doute.)
1. Kristen and James get back together? I think.
A very depressed Kristen shows up to a restaurant to meet with James. (She looks horrible.) James blames himself for the punch saying he shouldn’t have gotten in her face. He tells her he loves her.
Kristen responds, “Our relationship is so tainted now because of that.” (Ok, but you are trying to get back together with Tom who cheated on you with Ariana and who you cheated on, with his best friend! But your new relationship is too tainted because of a drunken fight?! Ok, Kristen!)
James opens up and let’s Kristen know that he is insecure. “I have all these insecurities,” he says. “How do you not expect me to be insecure when you talk about him 24/7?” (He is talking about Tom Sandoval here, obvi.)
“I don’t talk about him 24/7,” a VERY delusional Kristen replies, clearly lying.
“You do,” James responds.
Kristen explains in the confessional that, “It’s not about being obsessed with Tom, it’s about being obsessed with honesty.” (REALLY?! SO IS THAT WHY YOU LIED ALL OF SEASON TWO ABOUT SLEEPING WITH JAX?!?! BECAUSE YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH HONESTY?!?! IS THAT WHY YOU ARE TRYING TO BREAK ARIANA AND TOM UP?! BECAUSE YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH HONESTY?!?! I actually have been really patient with Kristen but I am about to lose it on her!)
In the end of this scene, the two make up and hug. “I love you,” Kristen says.
(I do not know if they are technically back together here but I know they are together now, check her Twitter — @kristendoute — or Instagram — kristendoute — and you will see James everywhere!)
2. Kristen and Stassi have breakfast together.
This sounds totally crazy! Believe me, we all thought it was nuts, even Stassi.
While catching up with Peter, Stassi reveals that Kristen has been texting asking her to meet up for breakfast. “I’m curious,” a very excited-looking Stassi says.
“She is going to try to poison your mind,” Peter says in response.
“This will amuse and entertain me for an hour,” Stassi says. “I am really interested in what she has to say. She is, for sure, up to something.”
In the confessional Stassi explains, “Kristen is a car crash in slow motion and I’m so curious and need to watch it.”
“She always comes with bad news to share. I’m worried now that she’s going to tell me Sandoval murdered somebody.” Stassi later says.
Stassi agrees to breakfast with her ex-bestie. “This feels so awkward,” she admits.
Kristen tells Stassi that she is tired of being called a liar about the Tom-Miami girl cheating scandal. She says that Jax knows she is telling the truth because it was Jax who leaked the rumor when he was talking to Kristen in private one day.
The producers cut to a prior clip of Kristen and Jax talking. Jax tells Kristen, “Use all the facts. You don’t need me to say it.”
Kristen finally gives away the real reason these two frenemies are meeting up. “How do I get him to tell the truth?” She desperately asks Stassi. “No one knows how to get it out better than you.”
“So you need my help?” Stassi responds, totally scheming. She gives Kristen her best advice, “You have to have Scheana there because Scheana and him are like, weird besties and she will tell Ariana.” (Why is she giving her enemy tips? She loves the SUR drama even though she claims she does not.) “Push harder,” she says. “Keep pushing him because he loves to tell. He loves to gossip.” Kristen sits on the other side of the table avidly taking notes in her head.
Then Stassi drops a piece of advice that even shocked me: “I would really like you to consider letting it go.” (WHAT?!? IS THIS REALLY STASSI SPEAKING?! At first I thought, “Wow! This girl HAS come a long way! It is the SUR people who made her crazy.” Then I thought, “But why would she go through all of the advice-giving, tempting Kristen and then tell her not to?!” My best guess – she wants to look like she is above the drama but realistically, she wants this all to go down. If she didn’t want this to happen, she wouldn’t have said anything.)
In the confessional Stassi says that Kristen needs to, “Stop pointing out the flaws in others to make herself feel better.” She asks, “You lost your friends, your job, and maybe James. Is it worth it?”
Kristen says that it is worth it because the truth needs to be revealed.
Thinking back to the breakfast meeting with Kristen, Stassi says, “It’s like Kristen is trying to win the Pulitzer Prize for cheating journalism.”
3. Kristen cracks Jax.
Yes, she actually did it! Kristen plans dinner with Rachael, Scheana, Shay and Jax.
Scheana, the blind Bridezilla, thinks Kristen will apologize for the way she behaved at the wedding. (She is totally going to be blindsided. Scheana, don’t you know Kristen by now? She ALWAYS has ulterior motives.)
Jax knows what is coming but says that he had to agree to dinner with her because Kristen is like a “pit bull” and will continue to bother him about it until he agrees.
Kristin explains that everyone is f%&$ing around on each other and she is the one paying for it. (That is true to an extent. Jax and Tom were best friends. Jax slept with Tom’s girlfriend at the time, Kristen. Jax and Tom are still friends. Tom cheated on Kristen with Ariana. Ariana and Tom are now dating. Everyone is friendly with one another but not with Kristen. But honestly Kristen, did you think you and Ariana were going to become besties after the break-up? Did you think you and Tom would still be friends? Jax and Tom weren’t dating but you are Tom were.)
Kristen asks Jax if Sandoval slept with Miami Girl.
“Why is it my duty to let this out?” Jax asks. Jax looks like he is struggling and doesn’t know what to do.
“I think you should tell the truth,” Scheana says.
Jax FINALLY, after a full season of waiting, drops the bomb, “That girl was with Tom, in the room, having sex. She slept with him and had sex with him.”
Kristen smiles the most insane smile you have ever seen. (Like a crazy criminal who just got away with a horrific crime. It was honestly very disturbing, even for Kristen.)
“I don’t know if I believe everything.” Scheana says. “At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter what I think. They are happy.”
Scheana and Shay are done with this conversation and decide to leave. Kristen goes APE SHIT because her plan is not going as she wanted it to. Scheana doesn’t believe the entire story and does not care. Kristen clearly wants Scheana to be appalled by it all and tell Ariana, ultimately breaking the couple up. Scheana breaks it to Kristen that she is not a good friend and that she makes it hard for Scheana to be friends with both her and Ariana. Kristen loses her mind!
“Can you imagine being me?” Kristen asks, crying explaining that Scheana’s bestie is the reason that her relationship with Tom is over.
Next time on Vanderpump Rules… IT IS THE FINALE!!!! (OMG!!! NO PUMP RULES FOR ANOTHER YEAR (IF IT EVEN COMES BACK)!!! I WILL DIE!!!!) In the final episode of season three we see the employees of SUR posing at a photo shoot for the restaurants 10th anniversary. Tom Schwartz is in therapy because he’s afraid of marriage. (Wah!) Scheana confronts Sandoval about the cheating scandal. While at SUR, Lisa encourages Stassi to make up with Katie. Jax walks in soon after the conversation, Stassi panics and leaves. Katie isn’t sure about Toms level of commitment to this relationship and acts like she wants to break up (SPOILER ALERT: They are still together, check her Twitter and Instagram!)
Until next week!
Jessie Zahner is the owner of Athletchic.com. You can follow her on Instagram (Athletchic) or on Twitter at @Athletchic.