Reality Recap – Vanderpump Rules – Season 3, Episode 13 – #PumpRules

Miami Vices

The episode begins with “Miami girl”, Annemarie Kunkel, walking into a restaurant in LA. Guess who she is going to meet with? The woman who probably orchestrated this entire thing, Kristen Doute. Miami girl sits down at the table. They greet each other and Kristen finds it odd that she flew all the way out to LA from Miami. Good acting Kristen! (No one believes that you’re surprised, you created this mess.) Kristen, full of anticipation, calls the waiter over and orders her and Annemarie a bottle of wine at what looks to be about noon. (It also looks like they are at the same place Peter and Vail had that really awkward date at last week. I could be wrong.) Miami girl tells Kristen that Tom (Sandoval) was great and such a nice guy. She said Tom held her hand and her arm. She said that her and Tom talked for seven to eight hours and had a “heart-to-heart”. He told her that he was single. He said he had a girlfriend for a long time but they broke up because he cheated on her. Miami girl then decides add fuel to a delusional, obsessive persons fire by saying, “I think he is still in love with you. It was all Kristen, Kristen, Kristen.” Then she tells Kristen that they had sex, at which point Kristen sheds a tear and says things like, “gross” and “disgusting” as the girl is sitting there. (I thought that was hilarious.)

Next we see Tom Schwartz hopping around in a suit. He is modeling suits for Santorelli. During this boring segment of the show we find out Tom used to be a pre-med major in college. (Yeah…the guy who has anxiety attacks while bartending was going to be a doctor!? Everyone should be grateful knowing he will not be practicing medicine anytime soon.)

Back at SUR we see Kristen, decked out and looking as good as she possibly can since she knows Tom is coming in. She is not working this day but sitting at a table by the bar with her friend in a black and white dress with her hair curled. They are waiting for Miami girl to walk in. (They must have put together some type of plan in which Miami girl comes in without Kristen so she can see if Tom reacts.) Tom and Ariana walk into work together and we see Tom at the main bar serving customers. While Tom is making a drink, Miami girl walks up to the bar and says, “Hi.” Then she orders a cosmo. Tom says hello back but almost instantly knows something is up. He walks over to the other bartender and asks him to serve the girl at the end of the bar. He then leaves SUR. (This is where I get confused and find Tom to be very suspicious. Why did he leave if he is not guilty? What is going on? How did he know and recognize her?) Kristen sees Tom leaving and has a big grin on her face. She gets Miami girl and takes her out the back door, the way he left. They are outside the restaurant now, in the employee parking lot when you see Ariana walking down Melrose Avenue on the phone. Miami girl calls out her name. What an idiot?! Do you really think she is going to stop to talk to your lunatic ass? Ariana ignores her and keeps walking confessing that it felt like a scene from ‘The Walking Dead’. Tom and Ariana get into an Uber and head home.

Kristen and her posse of psychos head back into the restaurant and get a table outside the front of the restaurant. While there, Scheana and Vail show up. Scheana confronts Kristen about the entire thing, “What is going on?” Kristen introduces Scheana to Miami girl and Scheana refuses to shake her hand. (Scheana, you do realize you are as trashy as this girl is, right? Actually, you are worse. This girl may or may not have slept with your best friends boyfriend of a year. You slept with and carried on a relationship with a married man who had a child and a pregnant wife at home.) Anyways, Scheana, dramatic as always, loses her mind. She starts screaming like a crazy person who should probably be 302ed to the psych ward. (Oh, that cannot be good for those vocal chords since she is such an amazing singer.) She tells Kristen, “You promised me you wouldn’t do this.” But that is not what Scheana is concerned about. Scheana doesn’t care about Kristen bringing Toms mistress to the restaurant to confront him! No! She is worried about this non-related event ruining her wedding.

          “LISTEN TO ME!!!” Scheana cries loudly, desperately and most of all pathetically.

          “Keep your voice down,” a level-headed Vail says.

          Scheana snaps back like a little chihuahua, “NO I DON’T CARE!”

Scheana goes on to ask how Kristen could do this the week of her wedding.  (I mean, really Kristen? Couldn’t you do this another week? This IS Scheana’s wedding week. The most important week of our year. This is totally going to carry over to and ruin her entire wedding. I (tear) do not think I can take any more of this, on the week of the most important wedding of the world. You know what Scheana, you would be so lucky for any of these crazies to care so much about your lame wedding to a man who tells you your tone def voice sounds good. You should just be praying to God every day that Brandi Glanville doesn’t show up drunk reminding everyone how you ruined her marriage.)

With all the yelling, Diana, a manager at SUR, comes out to see what the hell is going on in her place of work. This is where things get even better. At this point, Kristen decides that ruining Tom’s relationship is more important than keeping her job as she tells her manager,

“Diana, walk the f*** away now.”

“Diana walk away, you don’t own this restaurant”

“S*** a d***!”  (Trying to keep this clean is tough!)

Outside of SUR we see Schwartz and Jax out on a little man date.  They are so cute together, talking and hanging out over drinks. Tom asks Jax about his ex-girlfriend, Carmen.  Jax says he is going to ask her to be his date to Scheana and Shay’s wedding.  He plans to take her shopping, get her a new dress, shoes and a handbag to win her back.  Jax claims, “Girls are weak,” and that doing romantic things will win her back. (We give birth! Get a life.) Jax goes on to say that he is trying so hard to get Carmen back that he is even doing things he doesn’t want to. He tells Tom that he has to go out to dinner with James and Kristen since Carmen and Kristen are good friends. Jax is so disturbed by this that he tells Tom, “I would rather watch grass grow or make out with my sister before hanging out with James.” He then tells Schwartz that Kristen keeps texting him to come to SUR. Tom asks him if he is going to go. Jax responds, “Are you kidding me? I’m not hanging out with that nut job.” Then explains to us that on a 1-10 scale of craziness Kristen is a 15-20. (I wonder where Jax falls on that scale.)

Katie comes to pick the boys up and tells them what went down at SUR. The guys were shocked. Katie said that she does not think Tom is guilty of sleeping with Miami girl but she does think he is guilty of something, she just doesn’t know what that something is. She asks the guys, since they were in Miami when Kristen claims something happened, but they both said they didn’t see anything. She finishes by saying that eventually the truth will come out.

Lisa Vanderpump finally shows up at SUR with husband, Ken and is bombarded by manager, Diana before she even steps foot in the door. Diana tells Lisa that she was disrespected by an employee and she needs to talk to her. Lisa looked disinterested asking which employee. “Kristen,” Diana says. Lisa immediately takes Diana by the arm and pulls her aside. Diana tells Lisa everything. Lisa asks Ken how many chances she can give Kristen. Ken tells Lisa, “You can’t fire her until you hear her side of the story.” Lisa agrees and calls Tom to tell him that he needs to come back to work. Tom agrees and you see him and Ariana come back to SUR and kiss several times by the back bar before heading back to work.

With impeccable timing, Miami girl, shows back up to SUR and heads right over to the main bar where Tom is working. She walks up to Tom and starts talking to him again.

“We had sex,” she says loudly.

“No we didn’t,” Tom responds.

“We had sex, yes we did!” She says almost yelling.

(Poor Tom, how embarrassing.)

In the meantime, Ariana, who is working at the back bar, overhears the confrontation and heads over to the main bar to get in on the action. “I don’t know what all this is about,” Ariana says to Miami girl while waiving her finger back and forth. She then takes care of the situation as she has Ali, the security guard, escort Miami girl out of SUR. (And this is why you don’t stalk people, show up at their job and think everything is going to go well. Idiot!)

Next week look forward to Jax and Schwartz discussing whether or not he cheated on Katie. A serious discussion between Katie and Schwartz about what happened in Vegas. (No! Schwartz!)


Jessie Zahner is the owner of You can follow her on Instagram (Athletchic) or on Twitter at @Athletchic.

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